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May Horoscopes

I feel a great kinship with the month of May. It’s full of wildflowers and blooming trees and creeping deadlines. Just like me! To get a better handle on what’s to come, take a gander at these horoscopes!

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)- I have consulted the oracle. I have done the calculations. I have performed the sacred rites. And come to the conclusion that the new dish you’re planning on making for dinner will not work. Order Thai food instead.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)- It’s spring time and a wonderful time for rejuvenation! Tauruses are nothing if not hardworking and should remember that they need time to grow too. Give yourself plenty of water, turn to face the son, and check your nitrogen levels. If they are low, plant some beans in your shoes for the nitrogen-fixing bacteria.

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)- Attention all Geminis! Your indecisive selves are in for a treat because the Whirlpool and the Pinwheel Galaxies will BOTH be in the night sky near the Big Dipper. You don’t have to choose! So I recommend you celebrate by eating a ham and swiss pinwheel sandwich in a hot tub to celebrate.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)- Cancers can often get carried away by their imaginations. They’ll see more in something than there really is, especially when it comes to relationships. I think you need to accept that the man at the deli gives sample slices of salami to everyone.

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)- You have wonderful instincts and you shouldn’t be afraid to trust them. Except in the kitchen. Ketchup is not a replacement for tomato paste.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)- On May 26th there will be a pink supermoon lunar eclipse. I am not kidding. Get your crystals ready to energize and your dreams ready to manifest. Your gay witch dreams are coming true, baby! Make some pink lemonade to celebrate.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)- This month, take some time to step back and understand the big picture. Do you see what I’m talking about now? It’s just way too big for that wall. Try it on the one above the couch.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)- As Saturn’s influence over the celestial spheres wanes, Scorpios the world over will begin to feel the urge to invest in the stalk market. This is due to their mishearing their 12th grade economics teacher and being deeply confused ever since. If you give into this urge it will end with you thousands of dollars in debt and having far more rhubarb than one person should own.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)- Sagittarius? More like SASS-ittarius! Keep your mouth in check this month to avoid getting into trouble. Always ask yourself three questions before speaking: is it true? Is it necessary? Is it a critique of white capitalist hegemony? If yes to all three then shout it out!

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)- The moon will go through a series of different phases this month including waxing, waning, and full. You will also go through a series of different phases this month including hungry, eating, and full.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)- Did you know that has a dog name generator? This has nothing to do with your coming month, I just think it’s fun.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)- Do not push yourself, Pisces. You will make the right decision when the right decision is called for. But forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made. Who could have predicted that selling acid was a bad idea and selling it to a cop was a worse one?

Enjoy the moons of May!


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