It’s June and that means it’s Pride month. But I’m not actually proud of this month. It’s literally only just started. What has it done for me to be proud of it? Nothing yet, that’s the answer! But what should you be proud of this month? Read on to find out!
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)- Taylor Swift may have thrown the first brunch at Stonewall, but Mariah Carey threw the first brick at Ellen Degeneres! Be proud that you share your birthday with someone who respects individualized gender expression and rejects stereotypes.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)- Taurus, you should be proud that one of the most pivotal moments of gay history happened during your reign of the skies. On April 29th, 2021, tiktok user johnmichaelsayshi tried boba tea for the first time, changing our lives forever. Three cheers for the boba gays!
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)- Keep an eye on Jupiter this June 17th. One of his moon’s, Io, will be passing near the asteroid known as Messier 10 and you can be proud that your life isn’t nearly as messy as it was 10 months ago.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)- This month you should be proud of how you are going to stop leaving your dishes in the sink and just wash them. Except for when they really need to soak. Or when you’re in a hurry. Or when you’re tired. Or when the United States women’s national soccer team is playing. But other than that, you’re going to do them right away.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)- Because of how finely attuned you are to emotions, you are people pleasers at your core, even to your detriment. This month you will break this cycle by not purchasing the cheapest thing you can find in a boutique store just because you stopped in to browse and everything you picked up made so much noise when you put it down and the owner kept staring at you felt obliged to pay $9 for a sticker of a rainbow avocado.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)- You should be proud that Glee is no longer on the air and we never have to see Matthew Morrison perform “Montero (Call Me By Your Name)” by Lil Nas X.
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)- The only thing you need to be proud about this month is sharing a star sign with the hero who brought down Ellen Degeneres: Dakota Johnson. Way to go! (I was already planning this as an anti-Ellen joke and then saw Mariah’s clip above and had to include both. This Pride we’re saying “no thank you” to corporate lesbians!)
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)- You should be proud that you can now watch the birthday party scene from the 2002 movie Signs and only be a little scared.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)- You should be proud of how cool you look in a leather jacket. For reference, this legendary clip from Billy On The Street!
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)- Capricorns are actually notorious for their self-control. While this is very useful in professional settings, it can become a hindrance in friendship. This month, be proud of every time that you openly express yourself to those around you and make it clear you thought Dear Evan Hansen was just okay.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)- This is an actual sub-heading from the Space.com article about night sky observations in June 2021: “Mars invades the Beehive (after sunset).” I’m not exactly sure why, but that sounds gay as hell and we should all be proud that we can bear witness to it.
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)- June 20th is the solstice, the longest day of the year! And we should all be proud that we are half-way through the second longest year to ever exist.
The Goose Responds 