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July Horoscopes

Did you know that every time I go to write the monthly horoscopes, I have to look up how to spell “horoscope?” Are we sure there shouldn’t be more Rs? Welcome to July.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)- Fortune favors the bold, but you’re not bold so unfortunately fortune hates you. Sucks to suck, bro.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)- There’s an asteroid coming! But it’s okay, this asteroid is named Pallas and she is (so far) perfectly happy staying in the sky. Tauruses should take inspiration from our friend Pallas and aim for the stars, expand their horizons, and wear a cape to the grocery store!

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)- You’ll meet a mysterious stranger on the road one night. Do not get in their car! They’re not a murderer or anything, their car is just really gross.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)- When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s a satellite come loose from its orbit and on path to cause catastrophic destruction such as the world has ever seen. Luckily that won’t be happening this month. The moon’s position relative to Uranus means that Cancers should be wary of making any big financial decisions.

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)- Look at the moon on the night of July 20th and you’ll be able to see the landing spots of the Apollo moon missions. All six of them will be visible on the 52nd anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing. Yell at the moon for Buzz Aldrin and his friends.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)- July is an easy month to stagnate, especially for Leos who are heavily influenced by the weather. Try to keep things unexpected this month by freeing yourself from the chains of societal expectation and claiming your rightful position as the leader of a pack of street opossums.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)- Three people from your past will appear on the 24th of this month. No, wait. Only one of them is from your past. The other two are from your present and your future. And you’ll find yourself… eating a goose? Hang on this can’t be right. Oh! Okay I had my scrying stone for Libras set to Christmas in July mode. My apologies. What’s that? Your actual horoscope? Uh… I don’t know… be ready for… changes in your personal life. Or whatever.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)- Sometimes Scorpios get so focused on the things in front of them, that they lose their ability to look behind. This can also be due to your neck muscles stiffening up. Have you done your stretches today?

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)- Stay away from Aquarius. They’re looking shady.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)- Capricorns will have relatively smooth sailing in July until the end of the third week. At that point things will start to unravel, beginning with some unexpected news. But don’t give up yet! If you sit down now and take the time to think of every single thing that could happen to you, then nothing will be unexpected! Simple!

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)- Why does Sagittarius keep avoiding you? Did you do something?

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)- Vulnerability can be a wonderful thing but only if what you’re being vulnerable about isn’t super embarrassing. Remember that some things are best kept a secret from others. Or better yet, entirely repressed from yourself.


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