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March Horoscopes

It’s March, a month where nothing ever goes wrong! Read on to find out how amazing your life will be.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)- As an Aries, you thrive in the sunshine so as the days get longer you should be able to reach your full potential around the equinox on March 21st. Make sure you’re getting enough vitamin D by taking an axe to the entire southern wall of your home for increased sun exposure.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)- Mars is crossing through Taurus this month! From Amal to Perseverance, humans cannot get enough of this red planet. Honor Mars by challenging yourself to eat more red foods this month.

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)- Remember to be kind this month, Gemini. Things are going to start piling up for you but that’s no reason to take it out on others. They didn’t make the pile! Find out who did make the pile of things you have to do like income taxes and changing that flickering lightbulb and make them pay. It’s too many things! We should only have to do one thing max each month and even that is stretching it.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)- The time is auspicious for Cancers to make some extra cash. Do you still have yeast from when you thought you would become the world’s greatest baker? Sell it to someone who thinks they’ll become the world’s greatest baker in Year 2 of the pandemic. Rumor has it some people still have hopes and dreams.

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)- Leos are lions which of course are just very big cats. This month, tap into your feline energy. Be cautious of new relationships, stretch out when you can, eat a can of tuna, get stuck in a tree, refuse to accept that you are stuck in the tree, as soon as you are rescued from the tree, return to the tree, leave the tree of your own accord. Have little a salami, as a treat.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)- There’s nothing like a Virgo to put you in a good mood! When you’re feeling down in the dumps this month, try talking to yourself. It works for everyone else so why not you?

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)- Saturn will be visible about an hour before dawn at the beginning of this month so if you’re looking for a sign to join that early morning zoom zumba class this is not it. Do you hate yourself? Seriously 6:15 is way too early for zumba, let alone zoomba. Go back to bed.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)- This month is a great time for Scorpios to reconnect with old friends. Take a few minutes each week and chat with people that you haven’t spoken to in a while. It won’t take long before it feels just like old times and you remember why you stopped talking to them in the first place!

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)- Daylight saving time begins on March 14th at 2am and I don’t know what that means. Why does it start at 2am? Does that mean it really starts at 1am? Or 3 am? Are we saving an hour or losing it? Where are we spending it if we’re saving it? What time is it? Please help.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)- March is usually a very strange month for Capricorns, fraught with indecision and inaction. But this year is going to be different. You are not Prince Hamlet! Nor were you meant to be. You will dare to eat peach. You shall wear white flannel trousers and walk upon the beach.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)- This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)- Beware the Ides of March.

Have a good one and may it be better than the last!


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