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February Horoscopes

Hello hello it’s February, the month of love! Why is it the month of love? Because long ago some Roman (St. Valentine) got murdered for marrying people around the same time other Romans used to sacrifice a goat to purify their city (Lupercalia). So in honor of this, I’m going a little off course. Instead of your future, I’ve calculated the perfect way for your star sign to find success in love! Read on!

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)- Because Aries is first in the Zodiac, they tend to be competitive and are used to getting their way. Naturally, this can create problems in a relationship, where compromise is not only respectful, but necessary for success. You can avoid this by dating yourself. This year, prop up a mirror in the chair across from you and settle in for the most agreeable Valentine’s Day dinner ever!

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)- Taurus is ruled by the planet Venus which was named after the Roman goddess of love. (We have a Roman theme going this month.) As such, Tauruses are no strangers to love. They know the rules and so do I. A full commitment’s what I’m looking for. You wouldn’t hear this from any other guy! I-I-I-I-I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling, gotta make you understand. I’m never going to give you up and I’m never going to let you down. In fact, I’m never gonna run around and desert you. I’m never gonna make you cry or say goodbye or even tell a lie and desert you.

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)- You know those sit-com episodes where a person has TWO DATES on the SAME NIGHT and then has to run back and forth between tables on opposite ends of a restaurant or change between rodeo clothes and black tie? Those are my favorite. You should set up one of those shenanigans for Valentine’s Day. Just be sure to update the plan to work in these increasingly-precedented COVID-19 times. Plan two Zoom dates for the same time and have them running on different screens. Your challenge will be to make sure whatever you say fits both dates. Good luck!

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)- Have you seen those videos where people turn themselves into sushi platters? It’s called Nyotaimori and I don’t really get it but I bet your date will! Since meal kits are the new hot thing, coat yourself with the ingredients for your partner’s favorite meal and send yourself through the mail. (Hint: Shipping times are delayed due to winter storms so give yourself plenty of time to arrive before February 14th!)

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)- Maybe it’s because they’re fire signs, but people love Leos! They are drawn to them like moths to a flame. But not too closely because Leos are also notorious sticklers for fire safety. For a really hot Valentine’s date, check all the batteries in your smoke detectors and call your loved ones to revise their emergency evacuation plans.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)- Valentine’s Day is always a difficult time for Virgos on account of them being virgins who can’t drive. And before anyone asks, yes I know I’ve already made this joke and yes, I will be making it again because I cannot get enough of it. Schedule a test at the DMV for Valentine’s Day and maybe you’ll meet someone special.

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)- Libras are all about peace, understanding, and cooperation. Basically the opposite of Aries. So for an enjoyable Valentine’s Day, all you need to do is avoid any Aries in your life. Oh, you married one? Well February is a wonderful month for divorce.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)- Scorpios are creatures of contradictions. Even when they crave connection, they do not want to be perceived. The solution? A Scorpio looking for love should astral project and only agree to dates outside of the mortal plane.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)- Sagittariuses like to be independent. This can often lead them into experiences apart from their friends and family, as well as introduce them to a wide variety of new people. This Valentine’s Day, assert your independence and search out new relationships by refusing to go to a Red Lobster tonight because there’s a pandemic, Jeremy. You go by yourself then! Enjoy your cheddar bay biscuits and droplet transmission!

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)- Since Capricorns are goats, it’s probably just best if you stay away from everyone on Valentine’s Day/Lupercalia in order to avoid being sacrificed in a Roman cave.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)- Valentine’s Day falls during Aquarius season so you are 100% entitled to pick where you get take-out to celebrate the holiday. It still does not entitle you to THAT so don’t even ask. It’s time to accept the fact that your wife will never let you take her Yu-Gi-Oh cards out of their protective binder.)

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)- As a Pisces, you’re known for your romantic tendencies. You often let them run away from you and before you know it you’re standing on the edge of a cliff, wandering over a sea of fog. For a happy and harmonious Valentine’s Day, remember to balance your innocence along with your experience. As for date ideas, a visit to Tintern Abbey, Lake Geneva, or anywhere with Grecian urns will never go amiss!

I wish you the happiest of months filled with maximum love and minimum animal sacrifice!


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