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January Horoscopes

Welcome to 2021! May the new year bring no new troubles and may your old ones not recognize you behind your mask. Many exciting things are afoot in January but as ever, please remember that the future is a great and terrible burden. Read on responsibly.

Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)- A low pressure system moving in from the southeast will bring with it a lot of texts from people asking you to do a lot of difficult, time-sensitive tasks while intimating that if you don’t complete them you’ll be shut out of your social circle. But “no pressure if you can’t I just thought I’d ask!” These people need a reminder of what “pressure” actually is. Throw a tire pressure gauge threw their window.

Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)- The full moon in January will appear on the 28th. This moon is traditionally called the Wolf Moon which is good news for Tauruses, who are notorious for their love of dogs. Spend some extra time with the dogs in your life this month. You won’t regret it.

Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)- Geminis are well known for their persuasive abilities. You might even call them silver-tongued devils. But I wouldn’t because it can be dangerous to have metal near your mouth in winter. Just ask any brass player, someone with braces, or Flick from A Christmas Story. Don’t go near any flagpoles until spring.

Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)- Cancer, it’s time to reconnect with your heritage. Did you know that there’s a phenomenon called “cancerization” because on multiple occasions unrelated organisms have evolved into crab-like shapes? Try to act a bit more like a crab this month. Dig in the sand. Scuttle around corners. Ruin picnics. And pinch people when you don’t get your way.

Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)- Just after sunset on the 10th, Saturn, Jupiter, and Mercury will form a triangle in the southwestern sky. This is a great reminder of how much you love triangles. When was the last time you used the Pythagorean theorem? Find a hypotenuse, as a treat.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)- Virgos often feel stressed during the holiday season because of their desire to please people. You might be tempted to relax now, but if you broaden your mind you’ll see there are so many other things to be anxious about This month, try to write down one thing every morning that you plan to worry over. Look at it again before you go to bed. Have you panicked enough? Have you achieved your goal? Are you sure?

Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)- Libra’s ruling planet is Venus and I don’t really know what that means but Venus will be visible right beside the crescent moon before dawn on the 11th. So wake up nice and early and see if Venus gives you any decrees or orders you around. 

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)- I have to admit that I feel strange writing for Scorpio because I am a Scorpio. I’m always tempted to give myself the best future possible. In honor of the new year, I think I’ll lean into that. You will find money in all your coat pockets, get good news everyday, and all the bread you bake will rise perfectly. Have a great month!

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)- Sagittariuses are in for a strange and complicated month. On the one hand, the days are getting longer and you love the sun. But on the other hand, you’ve only just mastered the art of nighttime bowling and you’re not sure if your skills will transfer to the daylight league. Just keep your head up and keep trying!

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)- Capricorns are very ambitious. They won’t stop until they have what they want. Which can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on what it is. When you told everyone at Thanksgiving your goal was to skate across the Great Lakes, we assumed you meant in the winter. Please rethink your goal of roller skating from Ontario to Superior this August.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)- Aquarius, it’s time to let sleeping dogs lie. And some things should be sleeping with the fishes.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)- We honestly cannot get enough of Pisces this month! Whether it’s inventing a new egg dish or putting together an Ikea bookcase without instructions, all of your endeavors will succeed this month. Just remember to pass on your good fortune whenever you get the chance. Like cleaning duties and pull-apart garlic bread, good luck is best when shared.

Here’s to a better year and a better world!


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