Are you one of the 12.6 million Americans who are unemployed? Well you’re on luck! Sort of. Our Guest Goose Marie has compiled a helpful list of 5 methods to deal with job loss, all inspired by very reliable and educational fantasy franchises. They are ranked from easiest to hardest and include curated playlists to put you in just the right mood.
1.) The Pirates of the Caribbean Approach
I still can’t get over how this was based off of a theme park ride and not the other way around.
This method is easy! It essentially boils down to memorizing one simple phrase and applying it to everything
The phrase: Take what you can, give nothing back.
Repeat this to yourself at every stage of the job loss experience: when you are packing your desk, looking through the company fridge, and when you are sitting alone in the dark and wondering why… simply take what you can, give nothing back.
Take those post-its, take the company beer take your boss’s lunch, take an entire ream of matte bond cardstock, and give no fucks in return… Take what you can, give nothing back. Not even your keys.
And remember, this phrase was a toast in the movie. Say it with gusto and cheer and let it lead you to your bliss. So commandeer that company van… I mean ship! Sail into the horizon! And most importantly – crack open the beer and drink up me hearties yo ho! (Editor’s note: Metaphorically speaking. Please do not drink and sail.)
Soundtrack According to Mood Variations:
I am coping (aka – I am going to drink this beer): The Medallion Calls
This doesn’t make sense! My company had just announced the extension of the PPP (and what about my FSA money): Hoist The Colours
Well… maybe I am a pirate. (I say as I eat all the fruit snacks I hoisted from concession on my way out): He’s a Pirate
I can do this (especially if Legolas Turner can. And especially if I have my fruit snacks.): One Last Shot
2.) The Lord of the Rings Approach
Still from The Hobbit, distributed by Warners Bros. Pictures
The Eye of Sauron looms in the east. Sting is glowing blue. The elves are departing Middle Earth. But you know what? I haven’t even left the Shire! I’m still eating my enormous wheel or cheese, drinking my Green Dragon craft brew, and smoking my Longbottom Leaf. Someone else will probably get around to destroying the ring or tiara or whatever. I’m chilling in my cozy Hobbit hole.
It’s not that I don’t want to go on a journey. It’s just that this journey is sooooooooo long. Text me when you get there, Frodo!
Soundtrack:
The Road Goes Ever On
The Road Goes Ever On
The Road Goes Ever On
The Road Goes Ever On
The Road Goes Ever On
(It really does go ever on and on and on….)
3.) The Harry Potter Approach
Still from Harry Potter, distributed by Warner Bros. Pictures
This method calls for your time NOT your thoughts. And that’s what it’s really all about. Don’t do any thinking. Just fill your brain with Harry Potter at ALL times. Harry Potter never had a job and things turned out all right for him.
Suggested methods include: listening to books 1-7 on audible, having a Harry Potter book in each room of your house, downloading the movies onto your computer (and having them one-click away on your home screen), having the movie soundtracks in a pre-made and most-listened-to playlist on your Spotify, and following at least 5-10 Harry Potter focused accounts on all social media platforms.
This method is a little unorthodox so you’ll likely have some questions. I’ve taken the liberty of answering some in advance.
Q.) But Marie, what if I’m in the shower and I start thinking about my bank account?
A.) The answer is easy. Bring your phone into the bathroom with you. Put it in a plastic bag. Or buy a waterproof bluetooth speaker. Or cover each individual page of a book with saran wrap so it doesn’t get wet. It doesn’t matter what your roommates or neighbors think. (Why are they looking in your bathroom anyway?) The most important part of this method is just to be consistently wrapped up in HP. Your world no longer exists. And when you’ve listened to the series once… listen to them again.
Q.) What if I’m cooking dinner and my partner asks me how the job search is going?
A.) Simple. Tell your partner you got a civil service job then start playing Flight of the Order of the Phoenix and get excited about the prospects of flying a broom to headquarters. They’ll be so annoyed at you they’ll drop the subject entirely.
Q.) What if my friends want to have a watch party for a movie besides Harry Potter?
A.) Super easy! You watch Harry Potter. No one will know. You’re sitting alone for goodness sake. Just read the wikipedia summary for whatever your friends watched so you can pretend that you also have a really polarizing opinion of Sandra Bullock or whatever.
(Editor’s note: This isn’t a joke. This is really what Marie has been doing.)
Soundtrack According to Daily Tasks:
Brushing your teeth- The Quidditch World Cup
Answering text messages from your parents asking “how you’re doing”- Fawkes is Reborn
Crawling into bed- Reunion of Friends
Getting out of bed- Statues
Crawling back back into bed- Reunion of Friends
4.) The Star Wars Approach
The foundation of this approach is all about understanding the force. The force is both dark and light. Now if the force contains both… so does your day.
Your day can be both productive and not productive. You can question your identity and be sure of yourself. You can write down the list of stuff you will accomplish and yet do none of it. To be a true Jobless Jedi Knight – you don’t have to adhere to just the dark or light… you have both! You’re gray and so is your day and your wardrobe. And that’s okay!
Set your alarm music to the Star Wars Main Theme and use Rey’s Theme while training (flicking back and forth between 1.0” and 0.75” margins on your resume.)
Being a Jobless Jedi is hard work which is why this is the fourth most difficult in this list… May the fourth be with you.
Soundtrack:
Star Wars Main Theme
Rey’s Theme
(Editor’s note: The Editor has actually never seen a Star War and so can neither confirm or deny any information given here. It sounds pretty accurate?)
5.) The Daenerys Targaryen
This approach may be the most difficult, but it is certainly the most effective.
Let’s break it down into three simple steps:
- Find a dragon
- Gather an army
- Let loose the dragon fire
Finding a dragon: This is easier than one might think. There are dragons everywhere. And you’ve got options. Dragons typically come with a pre-installed soundsystem, options for wind-in-hair and no-wind-in-hair, and your dragon will breathe a truly deadly fire (well technically gas). (Editor’s note: She means a car, doesn’t she?) If you don’t have a license, that’s okay! A bicycle is a great dragon option as well. You can choose anything with wheels really. (Editor’s note: Oh okay! Yup.) The dragon can be real or it can be metaphorical. The dragon is whatever will get you to the place you need to go.
Gathering an army: Your army is any task you have to do and you will make it obey. You will clean the bathtub. You will ask for letters of recommendation. You will put on pants today. Below, you will find some helpful phrases to yell while doing anything in any room at any time. Shouting is a wonderful stress reliever. Just ask Sweden.
Dothraki:
Me nem nesa – It is known
Vos. Vosecchi! –No. No way!
Anha dothrak chek asshekh – I feel well today. (I ride well today.)
Valryrian
Kessa – Yes
Daor – No
Valar morghulis – All men must die (Editor’s note: We use this one a lot.)
ubī daor – Not today
Dracarys – dragon-fire
Let loose the dragon fire: Your dragon fire is your fuel – and what fuels you? What motivates you? What gets you going? Dragon fire isn’t just any fire. It’s not made of just anything… it’s made from EVERYTHING. It’s the pandemic, social isolation, financial stress, self-doubt, identity crisis, etc. The more you add – the stronger your flames and the more flames the better. Let the flames confuse your panic and emerge reborn.
The song choices here are imperative for the success of this approach. You must play the following while riding your dragon to success.
Soundtrack:
Dracarys
Khaleesi
Winds of Winter
Mhysa
Daenerys Targaryen doesn’t care how you feel and therein lies the secret to this method. It’s not about feeling better. It’s about conquering the known world.
And if this approach ends with you losing your shit and destroying everything with your dragon fire – that’s okay because the ruins of your life will still make more sense and have a better conclusion than any old $3.1 billion franchise.
Click here for the full playlist
Marie currently lives in Danbury, Connecticut though she spends most of her unemployed time exploring hikes and adventures in the Hudson Valley. She aspires to learn more about the UFO sighting this past summer. If you are interested in becoming a Guest Goose, click here to submit!
The Goose Responds 
Best advice I’ve read!!!! Thank you, Marie!
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