Welcome, welcome to another month of Goose Horoscopes! And as it’s September 1st, (Back to Hogwarts Day), I would like to take this moment to announce that every character in Harry Potter is trans! On to the future!
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19)- Aries, Aries, Aries. You, my friend, are always rushing. Whether it’s because of your tenacious nature or because goats are quadrupeds, you rarely take the time to observe what’s going on around you. This month, I challenge you to notice the small things. Like an ant hill. Watch how they move, how they communicate, how they’re marching towards the queen, how they’re erecting a scaffolding, how that one ant looks a lot like Robespierre. Oh god.
Taurus (Apr 20-May 20)- As Jupiter’s retrograde loop draws to a close, you’re going to begin to feel as if you’re going back in time. And not in a cool fun way where you carry around a sword or get a telegraph. Instead you’ll just spend $17 on Charleston Chews. Better luck next month!
Gemini (May 21-Jun 20)- Whatever’s in your online shopping cart, empty it. Trust me, you don’t need it.
Cancer (Jun 21-Jul 22)- Cancers, please find your nearest Gemini. Ask what they just deleted from their cart. Buy it for yourself.
Leo (Jul 23-Aug 22)- With the fall equinox on the 22nd, things should begin to feel more balanced in your life. It probably also helps that you installed that adult-sized teeter-totter in your backyard. For best results, we recommend finding someone who is your exact height, weight, and age and balancing at the exact moment of the equinox.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)- Beware the redheaded man, don’t drink out of pink cups, the thing you are dreading will happen on the 16th of October, you’ll get a nasty bout of flu in February, and around Easter, one of our number will leave us forever. (Probably the spider above your bed.)
Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22)- Neptune will be in opposition to the sun on the 11th while in the constellation Aquarius. Needless to say, this means all Libras will need to double their water intake. As Neptune is the Roman god of the sea and the sun is hot, when they’re opposed you are likely to feel dehydrated. This is especially important for Libras because unlike most humans who are about 60% water, Libras are 69%. Nice.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)- Can you believe it’s fall already? If you’re a Scorpio then you definitely can! This month, you’re going to feel a strong desire to root yourself in the rhythm of the seasons. Follow that urge! Get more scented candles! Roast root vegetables! Cover your porch in gourds! No, that’s not enough. More gourds. MORE! MORE! MORE!
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)- Everyone has difficult times in their relationships. Whether that means a fight with a friend or going stale on a lover, it’s important to remember that you’re not alone in what you’re feeling. Unfortunately, Tauruses will suffer a betrayal near the middle of September. I know you never thought Target would stop carrying your favorite brand of socks but try to remember that you will love again.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)- Fall is a season of change and no one understands change like a Capricorn! Whether it’s mixing up your hairstyle or rearranging your living room or mixing up your hairstyle, September is the perfect month to try something new. Start now! Give your barber a call! Now! (Your mom asked me to write this one. She hates your hair. She’s right.)
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)- I hoid that Neptune will be in the constellation Aquarius when it’s in opposition to the sun. If youse an Aquarius, that means you’re at extra risk of sleepin’ with the fishes, Capisce?
Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)- Have you ever noticed that the word “Pisces” looks an awful lot like “pickles?” Sometimes the indications of the future don’t come from the stars, but from within ourselves. Make more pickles. You’re friends want you to have more pickles.
The Goose Responds 